|Make me clean, Lord, for this child and and his siblings!|
Late in the evening, once Luke and Nina were asleep and Jack was cuddled next to me, squeaking as he sometimes does, I looked down at him and felt incredible guilt. The raised voices. The impatient atmosphere. The unnecessary outbursts. The negativity. This beautiful, innocent, little child should not be subject to anything of the sort. In fact, none of my kids should be. So, why have I been succumbing to ill behaviors
I wondered, “What am I doing?” “Am I really cut out to homeschool?” “Heck, am I really cut out to parent?” “Am I living God’s call or simply ready to call it quits?” Doubt crept in. Self-centered thinking prevailed.
I had had a bad day. What am I doing? Am I really cut out to homeschool? Heck, am I really cut out to parent? Am I living God’s… Blah, blah, blah…. Ah ha!
Thankfully, He stepped in and whispered, “What about me?” “What about them?” “What about the big picture?”
When we started this journey as a family, we had that picture clearly in mind. More recently, I have let it become blurred. I have tripped things up. Thus, I must relent, repent, refocus – pray!
I must ask Him to make me clean and invite Him more fully into my heart. Only by doing so, can Mike and I guide our children along the happy-heart paths we desire for them.
Indeed, about a year ago, I wrote, “... we hope to make a difference in our children’s lives – both here and in the hereafter. We aim to define ourselves as followers of the unique characteristics that God has placed within each of our hearts. We seek to learn more about our own temperaments and talents. We desire to honor our Creator through training ourselves to think, inquire and trust. In short, we want to discover what we are supposed to learn and live how we are meant to live so that we might most fully receive God’s grace in Heaven at the end of our journey.” I still want these things and am confident He wants them for our family, too.
Praise God for helping me see my own flaws and faux pas and for bringing me up short about my self-centeredness so that I might both seek forgiveness and pray for strength.
With Him guiding, I can capitalize on the better parts of my temperament, train myself to think more grateful and joy-filled thoughts and trust that all will be well, however bad my day seem. Love, laughter and more positive learning can and will color our days. (They already are again!)