Unkind hands. Unkind
words. Unkind feet.
The boys needing a "relationship repair"... |
When you are living with a household of young ones, such
things can seem to proliferate.
My remedy? Habit training!
Whose habits? Everyone’s!
Like many children, mine have some frustrating habits of
hitting, yelling, threatening, biting, pushing, kicking light-sabering, etc.
In reaction to such behaviors, I am ashamed to admit that I
have fallen into some not-so-productive habits of yelling, over-talking,
getting upset, doling out punishments or otherwise generally adding to angst
and negativity in our household whenever the kids “get into it” with one
another or with me.
This is a problem. A
big problem, in my opinion, as it directly opposes our
family mission to S.M.I.L.E.
So, I decided to do something about it. Something simple. Something I could stand by. Something that would focus us all on
discipline not punishment and on kind habits to build, instead of negative
behaviors to avoid.
Enter:
Find Five
Ways
Relationship healed! Smiles restored. |
Example One: Words
When Nina bursts forth with, “I wish my brother was never
even born!”, I say, “Nina, those words are hurtful. Please find five ways to use kind and loving
words.”
Then, if she doesn’t begin to do so within a minute or two,
I motivate her to do so by letting her know “Nina, you must first find five
ways to use kind and loving words before you can join us for (whatever the next
fun thing we have planned in our day is.)”
Then, Nina usually gets started:
“Mommy, I love you... Jack, I love you... Jack, you are such a good brother.”
I see positive energy building in her, but no recognition of
the fact that her words hurt her older brother, not her younger one. Thus, I calmly say, “Nina, I love you, too, and so does, Jack. I bet Luke is feeling sad. You hurt him with your words before...”
Within a few minutes, Nina usually then succumbs to an “I’m
sorry, Luke.” Then, I ask her to find for
one more way to use kind words and we are off with the rest of our day.
Example Two: Feet
Luke kicks out at Jack in frustration when Jack comes too
close to Luke as Luke is seeking alone time. I come to the room, observe and
note, “Luke, you hurt your baby brother.
He’s crying. I had to stop doing my
chore so I could help calm him. Please find five kind ways to use kind feet towards
your brother and towards our house.”
Luke balks for a moment, but then walks over to his crying brother to
give him a hug.
He walks to me to give me a hug.
“You are using your feet to walk to each of us to give
hugs. I love your hugs. You need to use your feet to help our home,
too.”
“Aw, Mom. Why do I
always have to clean?” Luke retorts.
“Luke, you stopped Mommy from doing chores right now, so you
need to take some time to help our home.
Please walk around until you find three things to pick up and put away.”
Begrudgingly, Luke picks up three things in his room. Without even realizing it, he picks up a
fourth. I thank him and he goes back to
his drawing and coloring.
Example Three: Hands
Jack tries to tear something out of Luke’s hands at the
table. I stop eating, and helping to pry
Jack’s fingers off the thing to give back to Luke, I say, “Jack, you used
unkind hands. Hands are not for
grabbing. They are for hugging. Please
hug Luke.” Jack smiles and hugs Luke.
“Thank you, Jack. You
hugged Luke.” Jack laughs and hugs Luke
again.
“What other fun things can we do with our hands?” I ask.
Nina and Luke suggest things such as clapping and
tickling. Jack and his siblings begin to
do each thing.
By the time we reach five “good” things we can do with out
hands, everyone is giggling and we get on with our meal and circle time.
Does It Always Work?
I have been employing this strategy for over a week now with
great success, but can already attest:
It does not always work flawlessly all the time.
Sometimes I have to strongly hold the kids to task, counting
off their “kind” actions as they go and sticking to them like a shadow until
they finish the challenge.
Sometimes they refuse to act kindly and then are required to
“shadow me” until they have found five ways to use their hands, words or feet
kindly. Often, when they are shadowing
me, they whine. Whining is considered “ugly”
in our home and “hurts other’s ears”, so if they whine, they have to add five
kind and loving ways to use their voices to their list of must-do’s. It can begin a viscous cycle, but through prayer
and patience, I usually endure, and, in time, they reset with positive actions
and words.
Will you have success with Find Five Ways,
too? I hope so! Give it a try and let me know how it goes.
Thank you for this post. We need to better our strategy for encouraging kind behavior, so I am going to try this.
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